Sometimes I wonder about how my life is, how it was and how it could be and when I do those wonderings I feel as if I were being torn apart.  I am nothing special, I never have been and I probably never will be, I have no talents or skills of note.  Recently I have been suffering in silence about certain aspects of my life and refusing to talk to anyone about them.  Well now its time I broke my silence and at least put these feelings into some semblance of words, I don't know if they will ever be read but at least I have tried to express them, even if I'm not expressing them to potentially the one person I should be.  

I have always been one who tries their hardest to put on the brave face, to show no sign of weakness, for that I have a dark history of betrayal and pain which caused me to use this defence method, sometimes however I cannot hide it, most of the time only those who know me well enough are even able to detect a hint of something wrong.  

Recently I fell back into contact with a special person who I met several months back and a real friendship began to develop, while at the same time feelings and emotions I wasn't prepared for developed also.  I tried to hide and supress those feelings and emotions but in the end they leaked out and the person found out so I came clean and told her that I had feelings for her.  

This girl is one of the most amazing women I have ever met, she can make me smile even when I don't want to, she can make me speachless (which is kinda bad considering I am a salesman).  The feelings I had for her continued to grow but I knew all I could do was sit back and keep my mouth shut, but for me the silence was deafening.  Tonight she told me she had a new boyfriend and as much as it hurt, I was genuinely happy for her since thats what matters most to me but inside I felt torn and empty.  She is on DA and part of me hopes she reads this and part of me is terrified that she will and then hate me for what I write.

I guess that the best words I can give her would be that I hope she is happy, no sarchasm here either, and that I swear I will ALWAYS be here for her in whatever capacity she needs me to be, even if all that ever is is as a friend.  She means the world to me and I just want her happy, simple as that.  Once again its time to bury and suppress the feelings and emotions which rule me.  

I have taken up enough of my time and the time of anyone who cares to read the ramblings of a broken heart but life must go on, the world must revolve...